#and i just couldnt leave today
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Not to be dramatic, but life is cruel.
#i really needed him today#i dont know why but i got so panicky at work because i literally felt like i couldnt leave without him#and of course it simply cannot be#i was doing so good accepting that i truly cannot be with him no matter how much i wish#and then he had to fucking talk to me#ive had no comfort lately at all and have to sit there and know hes across the fucking hall from me#and he used to be my safe place#and all i wanted all day was to sit with him#and i just couldnt leave today#i waited for ten minutes in my car and then tried to leave but i was so panicky i was confused and i physically couldnt leave#i looped and went back up to the building even though i knew there was no sneaky way to start a conversation and nothing would come of it#i had to call my ex to distract me so i wouldnt start crying and so i had a reason to sit in the parking lot#and He came out twice#i tried to get off the phone in time for the second time he came out and i couldnt and i had to watch him pull away#cried my whole way home and almost entered into the panic attack#now i have no appetite and i dont want to make dinner#tomorrows friday and that means the last day i see him until Mon and we havent talked at all since the last talk so im going crazy w pain#and i wont even be there the whole day tomorrow because therapy (thank god i need it)#but the worst part is#none of it fucking matters#because nothing changes and i have to work on reaccepting that i. dont. get. to be. with. him. ever. and it doesnt matter that we both#were in love with each other#life is cruel#and beautiful#but fucking cruel#i have been waiting my entire life for this connection#my heart and mind are so heavy#i literally couldn't even speak a coherent sentence i was so just like...confused from my panic#it was strange#im still trying to process what even was happening
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hey gorju
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#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 3#yakuza series#yakuza 3#yoshitaka mine#snap sketches#i have not drawn him in two months so in celebration of beatin y3 twice today i am drawing him#i always miss drawing him... im just so distratcted and i never know what to doodle with him#i was just gonna post the sketch of this but i just couldnt leave it LMAO#so :] just some quick linework and colors and w/e yessir
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animal death cw //
might be slowing down for real soon. we’re (tentatively) making plans to put spike down next week or sooner, depending on if he can recover today
#im not surprised and ive honestly been processing this for a while now bc hes on borrowed time as is#this is why i havent posted pics of him. he looks and feels awful and it feels wrong to post that online#but todays been awful for him. he hasnt eaten much the past two days and he couldnt keep down what he has eaten#his nose is dry#im just sitting with him right now making sure my brothers leave him alone and to have someone by him#idk if ill be less online bc honestly going online and ignoring reality is sorta My Thing but this combined w current events is just#a bit much for me so i may retreat into a healthier thing instead#echoed voice
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sunrise ☀️
#YAYYYYY YIPPEE MY TREAT FOR DOING TASKS TODAY. FINALLY LETTING MYSELF DRAW SOMETHING#THIS WAS NOT THE ORIGINAL PLAN FOR THE DRAWING AT ALL BUT THIS IS BETTER I THINK#it's not perfect but That's Okay i'm allowed to post art that isn't my best (<- affirmations)#it's been a while since i used that brush :D i couldnt see myself making a background without it so i just. didnt even try JHDJGH#dante was described on priv as chewy btw i just need to let that be known. im glad bc i was going for squishy slime creature#sb#my art#rising sun#technoblade#(that is techno btw! just in the rising sun gear so 99% of him is covered jhdjgh)#i was gonna include energy being sent to him to from the players scattered around. ya know like how the dialogue goes#but then i finished part of it and decided to leave it alone bc i liked that way more#just pretend that all the mana has already been sent his way. pictures taken moments before disaster (for dante)
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Post of the day
#that Tek drawing is some of my finest work guys#the dark crystal#the dark crystal: age of resistance#skektek#skeksa#Sa drawing was gonna be fullbody but i couldnt be bothereddd heyyy#ive drank so much irn bru today im going crazey#the after taste is like slightly weird so you drink more of it and then it leaves the after taste and its just an endless cycle
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#guys (neutral) i have made a mistake#theres a guy in my classes whos also pakistani (but like FROM pakistan) and from generally the same areas as my family i guess#and we're the only two in the class (for context the other desis who make up the majority of the class are all indian international student#and i know that im a friendly person#but i fear that i made a connection with this guy too quick#and have given him the wrong idea#idk if hes just attached to me bc im the only other pakistani or that AND bc ive accidentally led him on or smthg without even realising#like he will hover near me and will only leave when i leave (and its gotten so bad over like 3 days that my other classmate noticed ->#and was like ... girl yk hes attached himself to u right#asdhjkasldadhajkldadhajsd#anyways thats besides the point#hes rly nice so i feel bad asdkjlasd;adjkl;adadjksd (and he doesnt rly have any friends here besides family and classmates so im giving ->#him the benefit of the doubt#and yall today was the only day i left class and he wasnt right beside me bc i think he left to do smthg#and i went to help anther girl get to her car#and i guess because he couldnt say bye to me (esp since its the weekend now) he started DMing me on instagram#there are more details but i will spare yall for now bc the ig messagse are whats makign me more worried <3333#anyways gn#mehrtalks
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Ugh. She literally. Is upset that I dont always like her. Like she hasn't. Given me. Two different kinds of trauma. Across many instances. And has not changed that behavior significantly.
Like. I told her not to drink. Because she gets even worse with boundaries when she drinks. And she responded with. Saying its weird that I dont like her. Like. I havent just. Told you. Why.
And I respond with saying. That its not like I dont like her. Its just that I dont want her to drink around me. Thats all.
She also has told me. To my face. That she hates me <3 so
#-cass#Ugh#I sent her to hang out with a friend today because I couldnt take it anymore#this would be the first time they've willingly hung out with a friend without me#since we've started dating well over a year ago#and its because they decided that today was the day to quit smoking#and have not left me a moment to myself today#after I told them last night. all of this.#implying that my boundaries are important.#I went to the other room to be alone and they followed me#and then I told them I wanted to be alone and they didnt leave??#I'm just so fucking stressed I need a moment to myself.#I probably sound a little insane rn... idk... if so feel free to call me out on it.#I just dont know how to deal.
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New Employee aquired today
My manager: Hey Grace maybe you can show NE some things, but don't overwhelm her
Me:
Me: so like. make sure it's not a repeat of my first day???
#like maam ive worked here for barely a month you know this#and my first ever shift was 8 hours and CLOSING#i did a lil bit of everything my first day why do you think im so adaptable to what you need now???#anyways i had NE help shred chicken cause we needed more and then i couldnt even use it bc we were out of the salad kit 🙃#today twas a long day#i was supposed to do subs but literally worked on salads all day cause we were so short staffed#a coworker who YESTERDAY asked for a shift today never showed up. our manager had to open and was barely through salads when i got there#(3 hours after open)#me and manager tackled customer service and did as many tasks as we could (specifically distress and make salads)#(i learned how to do temps)#morning cook stayed late WITHOUT TAKING A BREAK to bring back some stuff we needed#closing cook got sick and left when me and NE did leaving i assume 2 store managers (maybe just 1) and one coworker to close#we so short staffed they had a job fair JUST FOR OUR DEPARTMENT.#anywho#ive also been up technically since 1-2am. i got extra 1 hour between then and 5:30am before i had to get up. i went to bed at 9pm#so. ive been tired all day but since i dont have work tomorrow im gonna stay up late and chill#amber's shit you can ignore
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#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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praying and crying pl decent job with decent pay come back to me and or be listed i cant work at this arcade anymore LOL
#candyredtext#today kicked my aaaasss.#me and one other prsn in my dept and one in each of the other two#its still spring break so we were SWAMPED#on top of havbing to reestock the prize room AND the crane machines#6 were down just cus we didnt have prizes in them (inventory was this weekend so we couldnt restock SHIT)#so it fell on the only two ppl working today (one from open to 2:30#and then me until 4 when someone else came in and i could FINALLY leave the counter n restock the cranes#and had to reset up a bunch and just#god. god. god. there is SO MUCH more physical labor and running around because we are understaffed/way too busy#and the new management SUCKS#and uc sof that we are losing the valuable ppl n stuck w the SHITTY ONES!!#uauguhg.#also the customers genuinely insane they get crazier every week i s2g
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without doubt one of the worst things about bratz dolls is that you cannot display them without shoes bc they look weird as fuck. stumpy ass bitches
#tales from diana#i bought some bratz w a walmart giftcard my brother got me for my birthday... like months ago#my birthday is in april so i probably bought them like may or june#i opened yasmin today and i really gotta wash her hair it's a gelly mess#lookin like a rat's nest fuckin... it's bad mga wtf#it's the forever bratz yasmin from this year btw not a reproduction#i did also get the reproduction of campfire felicia bc it was also there and the same price#and like honestly she was lookin so cute and tbh she was a better deal lol she came w two outfits so yeah#you know yasmin was my favorite design of the forever bratz but the doll itself is somewhat cheaper than i was expecting her to be#ppl always praise mga for having higher quality than playline barbie these days but like... i kept thinking#hmmm if this had come out in the 2000s this doll would've had a fabric purse and not a hard plastic one#this lace on the front would actually be able to open and not just be glued there#whatever she's still cute i really love her#but i did have that first experience in such a long time. like since childhood. where i just take off some bratz shoes#and i'm like NO FEET! NO FEET! NO FEET! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH#PUT IT BACK!!!!!!#they look more than just naked. they look injured#i used to treat my bratz clothing completely differently than my barbie clothing as a kid bc they felt so much less interchangeable lol#i had a million barbies and a million barbie outfits and i really did not care to keep anything on a particular doll#w my couple of bratz that i had in childhood i really had to be careful where those outfit pieces ended up. couldnt leave em undressed#i suppose that still hasn't changed#you know one of these days i have to get myself a new funk-n-glow jade. she was my first bratz#but also one of these days....... i gotta wash yasmin's hair 😒
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We did it... we manifested a new Jo card... god bless
YO LET'S GOOOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
praying to RNJesus that my pull luck is just as strong as it was when i was going for masato.. (╯x╰)
IMMUNE TO CHARM his ass is NOT beating the allegations at this rate ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️
#snap chats#my dms and mentions have been nothing but jo this morning and i couldnt be happier jsVLKJAL#bros literally putting the 'gay' in 'allegations' i cant with this rgg aint even tryna be subtle anymore (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) LMAO#crying at the thought of saeko all 'ichi nothing i do's working' and ichi just. Fuck I Forgot 🏳️🌈👁️👁️ LKJLKJA#just reminded me of a dream i had where i was texting my dad (which is hilarious since i got a text from him a few mins ago)#n it was just our standard 'Sorry I Couldnt See You Today We'll Try Next Time' exchange but for some goonish reason there was an attachmen#like 'petition to bring Mr Arakawa home' which leads me to believe arakawa was my dad in the dream...#...but now i think it was a roundabout prophecy if you catch my cold JFLKJV#ANYWAY. have to leave my house for the day again so i WILL be trying to pull... please let it be virtually-first-try like last time#itll be really funny rggo cmon..... do it fr me bro....
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#i am slowly but surely getting worse again and i am truly uncertain how to/if i can stop it#woke up a couple hours late today and then i couldnt/wouldnt get up for another 3 hours#now im struggling with a huge amount of shame around it. why??????#like to the point where i considered just going back to my room and not leaving all day#ugh. whatever#its fine!!! its regular!! it says nothing about my intrinsic value as a person!! or my value to the people around me!!#this is a value neutral thing to have happen!
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twitter is entering their "rts > likes" phase now that likes are private after they spent years calling us ungrateful for being demotivated by ratios lmao
#man fuck yall just support artists you enjoy#dont attack people who dont rb/rt your art (hell they might even have it scheduled) but also dont constantly demand ''content'' from people#ESPECIALLY without telling them that you appreciate the effort they put in to show you cool things they made for free#you should've been rt'ing/rb'ing from the START 😒 just show people you care!#im just waiting to scroll through post after post of ppl calling out ''entitled artists'' lmao#btw my opinion on the whole thing is painfully neutral if you couldnt tell#i dont think you should care that much about numbers and ppl take it wayyyyyy too far#throwback to that one guy who personally @ everyone who didnt reblog their art that was CRAZY. i would straight up report you KJFGHKG#i also understand and have personally experienced how much engagement can change your mood#a simple ''i love this!'' can make someone's day. it's not hard to understand why ppl like engagement#when they make post after post without so much as a little tag they dont care about sharing anymore#the fact that people call that ''entitlement'' is also crazy#i have a lot of drawings i havent posted or just left nonrebloggable bc it really doesnt make a difference lmao#the only ones i leave rebloggable are the ones that i Know will do well and get attention. like the little pig redraw#if it's cute or funny it gets positive attention. anything else is shit on here lmao#it's just not as fun to share. it either leads to no engagement or negative engagement#would rather have nothing than something rude so whatever#some ppl say it's always been like this but no it absolutely was not always like this#idk what exactly caused the change. probably a lot of factors#could even just be the fandoms i hang around in! but considering i've seen the same sentiment from a bunch of ppl i doubt it's that#the best solution to no engagement is to just make friends and have fun#but 90% of the internet is hostile and negative and rude for no fucking reason#when i unfollowed someone on my old public twitter and they @ me over it. damn i dont know why but NOW i know why 😭#this post has gone way off course im just ranting at this point. i havent talked in a while hi how have you guys been#work was a lot yesterday and today is too slow (im not at work im just going crazy in my house)#(and i cant leave my house bc there's construction blocking the road someone save me)#chat
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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